Last Splash

The gene pool could use a little Chlorine.

I have a rant, and I will apologize in advance to anyone out there that is a parent, since I am not. I am really sick of this new style of parenting out there, you know, the one that has everyone scared to do or say anything to their kids that may cause emotional scarring later in life. Let me clue you in: EVERYONE will have emotional scarring, no matter how happy and well-adjusted they grew up. By you giving in to your freaking kids on every issue under the sun, you are creating a person who grows up thinking everything will always be their way. And, if you raise your child in a vacuum-sealed bubble "oh, we don't want Jonny to get hurt...so we didn't let him try out for football...he was being bullied, so we switched schools...he didn't make the swim team, so we spoke to the principal and school board about being more inclusive" WAKE UP...your child will be scared to try anything. Okay, I'm collecting my thoughts because I'm coming off a little disorganized.

I've been stewing over this for a while, after seeing all the parents in the mall for years who make excuses like "oh, the kids won't let me shop for long". Well, lady, 'the kids' are 9 and 12, and I'm pretty sure you just spend a couple hundred on them at Abercrombie, so they can sit quietly in a store for an hour while you get yourself something. So, it's well known that a lot of parents have basically traded in everything about their life before to cater to every whim and desire of their child's. I'm not saying that your life and priorities shouldn't change...I can tell that just by preparing myself to start trying to get pregnant...I'm quitting smoking, I spend most nights cooking dinner at home, I clean the house more and keep things organized, I rarely go out with friends just to 'drink and catch up', my husband and I spend less money on food...but, what makes being a parent so hard now? Do you forget what it was like to grow up goig over to a cousin's house on Saturday night and playing in a back bedroom while the adults sat around playing Pictionary and drinking? Because that's what our parents did...when they need a break, they called someone else with kids and said, "I've had a shitty week and I really want to relax tonight...let's get together".

And seriously, up until a kid hits at least 9 months, you can go to your mother-in-law's house for dinner and not go home until 9 or 10. You know why? Because your baby will eat, sleep, and poop whether she's at home or at grandma's. You don't have to be sealed into your house by 7PM every night. You don't have to change everyone's Christmas plans because "it's so much for her to go to so many places in two days..." or "shes been out a lot lately, it's not good for her". She's six freaking weeks old...she doesn't care if she's getting fed at your house or not, as long as she's getting fed, getting held, and sleeping well. Have you ever thought that maybe it's a good idea to let your baby meet lots of new people in early life so that she will grow up being able to communicate with everyone? Or do you really want her to be just like her mom, who gets nervous when she's left in the room alone with one of her husband's friends or family members, because she's so socially inept that she doesn't know how to speak to people...

In any case, this probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to many, but I'm trying to prepare myself to be the kind of parent that does what is best for my child without losing all sense of who I am, who my friends are, and what my marriage should be! I know people say things change after you have kids, but I look at the way my parents raised me and my sister and think we had a lot of boundaries, a good amount of freedom, and respect for adults, and that's exactly what I want for my child. Not a snot nosed brat who expects to get her way all of her life because her parents have 'let her make her own decisions' from birth. That's a load of crap, all the people who 'treat their children like adults'...there is a reason your child is not an adult and can't make it's own decision. Seriously, people, lighten up...

posted by: Cannonball14 at 16:55 | link | comments |
meow

Can I tell you how much the healthcare/insurance industry sucks? Now, I could go on a rant about how I understand that unethical doctors and lawyers and the people that go into surgury understanding the risks but still want to sue someone when something goes wrong are what causes the stupid insurance industry to charge out the ass, but I'm not. I'd rather rant about my Dental Insurance, and specifically whether or not I want to pick up COBRA insurance so that my husband and I can get our mouths checked.

So, I called the Dental Insurance company that I have been carrying to ask about the differences in coverage...I figured that I would do some math and figure out if it makes sense to pay the $125 to finish insurance coverage for the year and pay less for our dental appts, or to just scrap it and pay for the dentist out of pocket. (I am a very high-fear dental patient, so the idea of waiting until April or so to have my teeth cleaned instead of going in December is VERY appealing to me anyway.) And they can't give me a number, b/c my dentist (and my husband's) are out of network. They can give me an estimated range of what the average service is in my area, but they cannot tell me what they would actually pay once the paperwork was submitted. I had to tell the lady twice that I was just interested in a cleaning and exam, and she kept saying "but for what type of service?" A CLEANING AND EXAM...DID I STUTTER? And I had to force her to even give me a price. She kept saying "I don't really have that information in front of me." So, I kept saying "can you connect me with someone who does" thinking "because if you don't I'm going to rip my hair out and send it through the phone lines until it comes out on your end and wraps around your neck". Anyway...it just sucks, that's all. Losing my job sucked, too, but not nearly as much as the red tape involved with transferring insurance and deciding what to do with my 401K and on and on.

So, that's my rant today. It probably wasn't all that entertaining, but I really needed to vent because it has not been a great day so far. It's all good, though, b/c I have a buy one get one free buffet coupon for Pizza Inn, and it's date night. Woohoo...

posted by: Cannonball14 at 18:20 | link | comments |
meow

From the mind of my good friend Windhazel (I'm to lazy to bother linking, sorry) comes a light in the bleary uninspired day I'm having: a post about low rise jeans. Now, being a retail professional and "fit expert" I will promote a reasonable amount of low rise in jeans: the kind you find at Eddie Bauer or like stores catering to a population whose general age is 22 and above.
If the waistband sits approximately 2 fingers' width below your belly button, you are wearing them correctly (unless you have no hips, so you buy them a size or two too small and they are squishing you to create the "muffin top" look...in which case you are a very classy lady). They can be a very comfortable alternative for a girl like me, who is 5'9" tall and all legs. Long pants usually have a crotch that hits me at mid-thigh, causing me to hike them up almost above my true waist to fit properly, which is just not comfortable. However, I need the 34" and higher inseam, so lower rise jeans in tall fit perfectly. Especially the ones that are made to rise higher in the back than the front: thank you!

Now, I'm pretty sure this is not the type of low-rise jean Windhazel refers to, so let me share my theory on clothing manufacturers. Years ago, let's say we're nearing the decade mark, a strange thing happened. Analysts pinpointed that the highest amount of buying power came from the teenage range, particularly females between the ages of about 15-23, and surpassed both the young professionals demographic and the middle age female category. At the same time, Prozac started becoming overprescribed to young females (who were probably suffering from PMS but were misdiagnosed with depression) and Prozac and like anti-depressants makes you gain weight in the stomach region. So, as girls were hitting puberty, their bellies grew and their hips did not, and women with hips were buying less. So certain big manufacturers (the Gap is who I would call the worst offender, follwed closely by Abercrombie, J.Crew, and the Limited brand companies) began slowly changing the fit of their clothes to widen the waist and narrow the hips of women's pants. Since apparently they could not find a waist to sit the band on, they just gave up and said "if we make them so they fit lower, we can put smaller sizes in them b/c of the waistband measurement, and create value by making women feel they are smaller". And since the Gap, Abercrombie, and above mentioned stores were driving the retail market at the time, other retailers followed suit. Or so my theory.

But there's good news, Windhazel and those others that fear ultra low rise supremacy: recently the mid-range female category retook the top posting and is having a resurgence, and super high rise styles were featured in recent spring runway shows. I think we can proudly say that while the mom-jean is not back, women that want jeans to fit are making their voice heard with buying power and choosing jeans made by retailers like Eddie Bauer, J.Jill, and Lee. So, we will survive. And those nasty bad retailers that pushed pubic-rise jeans on us: they're about to do their time. Gap essentially lost it's base market (young professionals) just as they (YP's) started to make money, and to regain customers they are spending ALL of their money on Advertising instead of quality clothing, which means they are now selling at a much higher markdown rate and losing bottom line. Abercrombie's numbers are not nearly where they used to be b/c the surge in guest-service-focused companies means their "brand-representative" as opposed to "sales associate" approach is simply not working, and when was the last time you saw a line at The Limited?

posted by: Cannonball14 at 16:53 | link | comments (4) |
meow, the retail beast

The highest point to a pre-wedding, low-carb, no bread and pasta but whatever else you want diet? A tasty, monster size, thick as my freaking hand 10 oz. filet mignon grilled perfectly medium-rare that I had the pleasure of consuming (in it's entirety) tonight.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 03:40 | link | comments (1) |
meow, bridezilla

I worked another store opening this week, and wouldn't you know that on my lunch break one day I passed a girl of somewhere between 17 and 20 (I'm really getting much worse at judging ages now...high school girls look waaaay too young to be driving) that said to her friend as they were passing Soho Shoes "oh, did you know they have Ugg boots?"

Now, I guess that because I have a somewhat interest in trends and fashions, seeing as how I'm a 'retail professional' or whatever you want to call me, this comment disturbed me. Because she didn't say it with a sneer, such as "can you believe they're still carrying Uggs...as if...". She said it with a "hey, Uggs are so hard to find around here where people don't wear turtlenecks and we get an inch of snow ever 2.7 years...I'm so glad there's finally a shoe store that carries them".

I guess I just assumed that all high schoolers were current on fashion trends b/c of the readily available Glamour-Cosmo-Jane-Marie Claire magazines that I, too, loved as a young adult [and still do as a guilty pleasure (except Cosmo...I realized somewhere around 6 years ago that they basically have a rotation of 16 articles that they just repeat in succession, changing names and minor details with each issue)]. But I guess I was wrong. And maybe she only reads trendy fashion mags circa 2002.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 16:11 | link | comments (4) |
meow, the retail beast

Oh Dear...A quick tidbit. Coming home from St. Louis late Tuesday night, I passed an airport store and was shocked to see that the very front display rack contained none other than sale Duke Lacrosse shirts. What were they thinking? This is the first link some people have to this area, and to put those out there like that just says "hey, we know they didn't do it...we're proud of it". I don't know about anyone else, but I was dismayed to think that may be the first sight of my hometown people have. Jusst another reason those of us from Raleigh refuse to associate ourselves with the "Raleigh/Durham" or "Triangle" tag. Because we don't need to go to Durham. Ever.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 15:41 | link | comments |
meow, the sports report

I'm soooo sorry that all of my posts are about wedding craps and being overweight, but I just have to vent somewhere. Plus, with my Red Sox more and more out of the playoffs and football and hockey not happening yet, I really have nothing else to talk about!

Why is it that the smaller your boobs are the more bras you can fit? And the more support you need (ie: beautiful, full, luscious DD's like mine), the less slection there is when you go bra shopping? I mean, really...I have to order mine online and pay for shipping just because I am blessed with what some consider to be perfect breasts? Am I being punished by the jealousy of all you lesser women out there, who have somehow banded together behind the backs of us "fuller figured" women and slipped into the focus group meetings and called up the lingerie companies  to say things like "I find that my feelings are hurt when I go bra shopping and see the big cups all poking out at me...I would love it if the bra stores would remove those big, hurtful images that only remind me of all the advantages of the breasts I don't have"? Seriously? Because if I can't find a freaking size 38DD strapless, backless bustier in the color "nude" or "bare" I might just have to hoist my babies up with duct tape like the models do. Is that really how you want me to spend my wedding day? Or my wedding night, for that matter? Can you picture the grimace on my face as, on our wedding night, my new husband has to rip duct tape off my flesh? Would that make you feel better, you skinny little women with your "perky little apple boobies" as my friend used to call them...

Okay, rant over. I hope no one is offended and everyone read that as tongue-in-cheek!

posted by: Cannonball14 at 15:07 | link | comments (2) |
meow, bridezilla

Okay. July was an off the wagon month for wedding planning. But I'm back on, now, as you will all be happy to know. Back to deposits and vendors and flowers and place settings and all of that crap. Yay. Seriously, it is fun and exciting, and expensive. But I'm happy to spend the money to make it what I want it to be.

Speaking of, the lady that runs the venue of our ceremony is touched with the crazy. And maybe not just slightly. She's flightly and kind of "crazy Aunt Sally" esque. Like, she talks to you as if you're a family member, says you can fill in contract times at your leisure, and just kind of says whatever comes to mind when you call to ask when you can rehearse (since your wedding is on a Sunday) and when you and your mom can come by to see what the garden looks like in the fall. Sigh. Fear...I live in fear. Why did we not elope?

I got the worst sunburn of my life this weekend. I read a short story on the front of the boat without flipping or re-applying sunscreen (which I am usually very careful about). I figured it would be short, right? Not so much. I couldn't wear a bra for the trip home yesterday. And these DD's rarely go out in public without proper support. Good news: the fiance told me he couldn't tell I wasn't wearing a bra all day, so I am still young and nubile.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 19:19 | link | comments (3) |
meow, bridezilla

I've finally realized why I like mo'time so much. It's because generally, the bloggers in this community use proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I've been looking at some message boards this morning and I can't figure out if people are really so stupid that they can't spell "senaro" and "minipilate". And then, if they really can't spell, I feel a kind of...a sort of pity for them. (Like the way I felt when my dad, who was always a very hard worker but had to work really hard to learn things, had been out of the country for quite some time before the Democratic Nat'l  Convention and not kept up with political news, and came running out onto the deck with excitement because 'John Edwards is about to be announced as the VP candidate...isn't that cool?' It's not pity...just a sadness because I can only imagine how hurt he felt that his wife and two grown daughters kind of laughed at him and said 'yeah, dad, that's old news'.) Because I'm not looking at like, Britney Spears fan club message boards or the Laguna Beach monster.com website. I'm looking at serious political shit. And these are grown men and women with brilliant ideas about Moderate Republicanism, but I tend to just shove aside anything they write as a fallacy when I have to mentally pull out my freaking red pen and correct it.

* And I also just had to read this post 3 times to make sure I didn't misspell anything and look like a total hypocrite.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 13:56 | link | comments |
meow

Oh dear...I'm afraid I may be a convert to the legging. It's quite terrifying, actually, considering how much fun I've made of the gaucho girl fashion sense. Now, skinny pants have turned gauchos into *gasp* tights that stop mid-calf. And I was laughing like all the rest until today. I just got home form the salon. My hairdresser is a spitfire in her mid-30's, 5 foot nothing and 105 lbs soaking wet, the owner of a cool and trendy salon who has spent time in DC and Thailand. And today, she was wearing the cutest little slim-cut polka-dot dress. With leggings. And she looked adorable.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 20:21 | link | comments |
meow, the retail beast

So, it has been stated here before that I harboured a simmering hatred for Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas for quite some time, mostly because I felt she had broken up the Original Peas (mistakenly) and because she seemed like such a twat. Then, I had to laugh at the fact that her name is actually Stacy Ferguson, and how can I really have bad feelings for someone with such a dorky name? I mean, she's just a hometown girl trying to make it in the world, you know? I heard her new "song" last night, and I have to say I'm impressed. It's almost exactly like what I expected out of her "solo" act, but maybe a little less street and a little more pop (after all, she is white...she can't rap fast). It's almost like if you were to listen to a great Missy Elliot song that was totally ruined by the fact that she had taken a Valium, and because of said drug rapped in slow motion, so the rhymes were off the chain, but there just wasn't enough of them, and you got the feeling that her flow was being cut short by Gwen Stefani coming in to whine the chorus. So, it's good, if that's the sort of thing you like.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 12:55 | link | comments (2) |
meow, music theory

A house of contradictions...

You know, this really happy feeling washed over me last night. I got home from work and needed to wind down, so my fiance' and I watched a little TV. For one hour, we flipped back and forth between an OLN special about "Lord Stanley's Cup" and a CMT countdown of the all time best country comedy shows. How could two worlds be so different, yet coincide happily in the same household? J and I are both passionate studies in conflicting interests that complement each other. I love the ballet, look forward to ADF every summer, and appreciate theatre, trying to squeeze in some new, limited-run musical every trip to New York. Yet I am just as comfortable tail-gating before a sporting event (really almost any sporting event). I can talk game analysis with the guys better than about 85% of females, but oh, how I love expensive cosmetics and have a nail polish collection to rival any woman's. My fiance' is a good old boy, raised to say "yes ma'am" and appreciate staying up all night to cook a pig, but at the same time he appreciates a great gourmet meal and is fantastic (if a little obsessive) in the kitchen. He likes NASCAR, but he LOVES hockey. We both love modern art. Say what you want about the South, but trust me. We aren't a bunch of dumb old yokels...we gots culture, too.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 18:41 | link | comments |
meow

Oh Whitney...

I was pleasantly surprised to find The Bodyguard on during my late-night, I have tomorrow off work, viewing party. I totally haven't seen it since, like, the 10th grade. Remind me again why we thought The Bodyguard, Clueless, and Speed were movies that warranted watching once a week? In any case...I was sad to discover that, yes, Whitney Houston was truly amazing at everything she did, which proves the lesson once and for all to us: stay away from crack. See what it does to you? She was so real and pure and talented, and now she's...well...have you ever seen the Mad TV video spoof of "whitney" and "mariah" singing "I'm not insane"? I highly recommend it. If only she had stayed with Kevin Costner...she wouldn't be crazy, and he wouldn't have married that "I don't have a real career so I'll call myself a handbag designer" blonde chick.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 18:03 | link | comments (2) |
meow, film guide

Maybe I AM a Libertarian?

I've gotten quite good and enjoy "menu-planning" on my weekdays off. It's hard to go to the grocery store with J because, honestly, we love food, and the two of us together is a deadly combination. (We had to invoke the Mulligan rule...you know, stick to the list except you can each add one non-list item, and only one.) Anyway, I love having weekdays off, and I love doing my grocery shopping on a non-busy workday in the afternoon, so I sat down this morning to plan our menu until the next grocery trip I take. I got onto a website I heard about through some other Weight Watcher's people a couple of years ago, called "Dottie's Wight Loss Zone" (dwlz.com for anyone looking). It has some good recipes, and also point values for a lot of restaurants if you're into that and you can survive a kooky lady's crazy website...lots of links, but that's why it's free instead of Weight Watchers where you have to subscribe to read the recipes.

Anyway, I clicked on this link about restaurants disclosing their nutritional values, and THIS is what I found:

    To:  U.S. Congress

    The people who have signed this petition demand that restaurants should be required to provide nutritional information to customers.

    Stricter regulation by Congress is necessary to push this issue. Americans are getting fatter and fatter everyday. By forcing restaurants to     provide     their nutritional information, health-concious citizens can make better choices in their diets. This is not just a vanity issue; it is a health issue. Obesity is killing countless Americans. Because not all restaurants will volunteer their nutritional information for consumers, they must be forced to protect the health and well-being of their customers.

Please sign this petition in order to demand legislation to help curb the obesity problem.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

 

 

Now, I'm all for restaurants letting me know the nutritional value (well, with the exception of a few places like Maggiano's or The Cheesecake Factory where I'm really not going to pay attention to them) because it's hard to go out with friends and not know if something has "hidden calories" or is cooked in butter even if it doesn't clearly state that on the menu.

But I am VEHEMENTLY AGAINST the Government forcing anyone to do anything, unless it is preventing you from harming someone else. And someone may argue that restaurants are hurting Americans and contributing to the Obesity problem, but honestly, as an overweight person, I can tell you that no restaurant made me get fat. I don't go to a restaurant and hear the waiter saying "are you sure you want the salad? you don't want the deep fried philly cheesteak with high sodium au jus?" (Except this one little European guy who used to work at the Subway in the food court...I would order salads with no cheese and just vinaigrette dressings and he would sprinkle Parmesan when I wasn't looking...)

Just the line "they must be forced to protect the health and well-being of their customers" makes me want to vomit. Honestly, are we a society of people who no longer believe WE have power over what actions we take? Do we have to rely on others to even make our FOOD decisions for us? Anyone who has read my blog knows that I am definitely not a Socialist...I think it's one step from Communism, and people who actually would sign this petition and send it to their Congressmen confirm that theory. How about this for a bright idea? How about calling the customer service department of each restaurant you dine in and asking them to post their nutritional info on a website. If they started getting 10 calls a day, eventually they would have to satisfy their customers, but it's not their job to watch out for your weight, and it's certainly not up to our already overburdened-with-ridiculous-agendas-and-catering-to-the-lobbyists government to waste my tax money to set up a "task force" to force restaurant owners into nutritional compliance (what would Paula Dean do? shut down the infamous Lady and Sons?). Next you'll be asking Congress to make restaurants adhere to what they feel is a fair price for the food.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 16:59 | link | comments (1) |
meow, political bullshit

Self-confidance is a crazy beast. I've been feeling unattractive lately, and I can't really point out why...I haven't gained weight, but I'm not losing any either. And when I try to 'diet' the stress of dieting gets to me, and then I eat an asiago cheese bagel for breakfast and it snowballs from there. I've learned something very frustrating about shopping for wedding dresses...although 62% of women in the US are a size 14 or larger, most "full-service" bridal salons only carry sample dresses in sizes 8-14. So, if I want to see how a dress might fit on me, I have to endure fake sympathy from a size 6 bridal consultant as she brings me size 12 and 14 dresses to try on, most of which don't zip, some of which I can't even get over my lucious birthing hips, and then I have to step outside the comfort of the fitting room into the mirror room, where 3 or 4 people smaller than me watch as my mom and I look at the dress in the mirror, with her pulling it closed in the back so we can get a reasonable sense of what it will look like "in the right size" as the consultant so tactfully puts it. And then I'm expected to order a dress that I haven't even tried on for $800, for the most important day of my life.

On the outside, I'm probably seen as a very self-confidant person. I walk with my head up, take long strides, make eye contact if I see someone looking directly at me, don't fidget with my hair or self-conciously pull at my clothing. When I am in said bridal dressing room, I make jokes about my size, I make my mom laugh when I say things like "let's see how much of me we're gonna fit into this one". But after a day of this I do break down. I cry in the car, feeling frustrated and like I shouldn't even attempt this until I lose 20 pounds.

The most annoying part of being overweight comes from other people. People who are already a great, healthy, beautiful size and complain about all these "fat areas" they have that no one else can see. Men who are my height and weight 180 and complain that they're too heavy. Skinny girls who say "I know how you feel...trust me, it sucks being this thin...I would kill to have boobs like yours." I think that one hurts the worst, because until my freshman year in college I was one of them. I was 5'8" by eighth grade and weighed 115 from then pretty much until my senior year of high school. My nickname was "flatty". Boys seemed to like girls with bodies back then (when did that change?). I broke up with every boyfriend I had in high school because we progressed to the "second base" stage and I was embarrassed for him to touch my non-existent breasts. However, I know these girls are lying because I never wanted to be one of the fat chicks: I wanted to be one of the girls who had skinny waists with a little bit of a booty and some C-cup boobs. I didn't want to be the amazon girl that was already wearing a size 16 and had DD's. Nobody wanted to be that girl. And now I am.

And as hard as it is to admit that you don't have to be fat to be disgusted by your body, that is the way I feel sometimes. I hate hearing people who look good to me complain about their weight, their stomach, their flabby arms, whatever. I feel in a way like I've earned my right to complain. I know what it's like to be a girl that guys check out, I know how it feels to get whistled at and have doors held by strangers and see two guys looking at you while talking to each other across the room, and it hurts to know I am not that girl anymore. I am the observer now...the one watching the perky blond get the door held for her, and watching the same guy walk past me without acknowledging that I exist. (I am the girl who is beautiful in the face, but...)I watch men come into my store to shop for their wives and know that if they're a fairly young, attractive man, 90% of the time when I ask what size they need they are going to say "xs" or "4". I hated browsing the match or yahoo personal ads years ago and noticing that maybe 1 in 10 men used the words "slightly overweight" or "a little extra" when they chose what kind of body type they were looking for. (And "curvy" doesn't count when the other options you picked were slim, slender, thin, athletic, etc...you're just looking for a skinny girl with big boobs.)

None of these things are really important to me anymore, because I know I've found the man that loves everything about me, but it hurts just the same.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 16:00 | link | comments (1) |
meow, the retail beast, bridezilla

"But there is a greater level of understanding on my part.  Understanding of the things that make me react, the  underlying insecurities and fears that make me angry and caustic. 

I am sure this sort of navel-gazing introspection is fascinating for some people but I am not always enthusiastic about it.  It is hard to look at your behaviour and your past and your relationships with brutal honesty and assess your behaviour without justification.  The attributing of blame and responsibility.  The distribution of fault.  To just accept that you have not reacted or behaved in a way that makes you proud or happy or comfortable.  To disregard provocation.  To accept full responsibility for your bad mood or bad behaviour."

This comes from a post on loosestring's blog from today, I think. I thought it was interesting because I've really been through a learning experience lately about myself. I put on a very tough exterior sometimes, a 'you don't want to fuck with me' kind of attitude, but I'm actually very sensitive inside and most of my toughness developed out of a sense of insecurity.

I feel that this insecurity evolved over the formative years (namely middle and early high school, specifically 8-11 grade) and I went through college and my early twenties very much intimated by and intimidating to a lot of people. Within three weeks of meeting my college suitemates, I threw a shoe through our window and broke it. We got through it, and by the end of the semester I think I was pretty well liked, but not the best first impression. The only women I've managed to stay friends with are those that stood up to me and said "you really need to stop being such a bitch" or "quit fooling yourslef, honey, you ain't all that". Maybe not the best influence on most women, but on me it worked.

My first really big job with a lot of responsibility was being a Camp Director. I tried it way too young (21) and a lot of my staff were my age or even older. It didn't work out so great. I was immature, bossy, and fun-loving. Not a great combination for someone responsible for 60 6-12 year olds in the woods all day. But I learned from it, as I've learned from all of my jobs, friends, and failed relationships.

I fell out of love with many many men when they let me have my way, and my current boyfriend (soon to be fiance', followed within the year by husband...) almost never did at first. It was infuriating. We fought like gangbusters, screaming at each other, throwing things, running out of the house and driving away before he could stop me (not the best way to treat each other, we've both learned), but something always made us hold on. No matter how angry I got, I never once had thoughts of leaving (he did, I recently learned). He stood up to me, he told me when I was being whiny and manipulative, and something about that impressed me.

Back to loosstring's post: I feel like accepting blame is hardest in the act. I have grown so much as a person in the last three years that I can now have a moment in the midst of yelling when a lightbulb clicks on and I think "you are totally blowing this out of proportion" and I have to find a way to get out of the argument. I don't always admit fault, but more often than not now I can calm down and say to the other person "you know, I'm really making way too big of a deal out of this" and we can settle. I'm proud of that.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 20:20 | link | comments (2) |
meow, the ex files

http://www.washingtondc.craigslist.org/m4w/112432391.html

Settle in with a drink, this could be awhile...

So, I'm off today, and really wanted to post because it's been a week, but I wasn't feeling particularly inspired. Sure, I could discuss my personal politics or the tremendous performance my store had over the weekend, but those things are boring to other people, and I loathe to be boring. I was checking in with mo'timers, wondering if American Baby had arrived yet (tomorrow is the big day, congratulations) when I came across the above link in a post Jheka made. I urge you to check it out before reading this, but I warn you: it may take the better (or worse) part of an afternoon, so do like I did and skim the parts that interest you. Then come back to me.

Wow. This guy is truly putting himself out there, right? Never have I seen such an honest representation of one's personality, and on craigslist of all places. He has it all figured out, right down to photo opporunities. I can't believe this guy is still single, because I would expect that any man with such strong manly manliness would have females falling all over him, professing how sick they were of 'sensitive' men and how he really knew them better than anyone (because after all, we as a female race are all exactly alike and have the same wants, needs, and desires, and how appropriate that here is the one man that can truly recognize that we want him to make the decision exactly 9 out of 10 times, but he's warm to the fact that that one time we want to choose he is willing to actually listen to us and let us *shock* get our way).

For a while there, I thought he was being witty and sarcastic, and actually started to like him in an amused sort of way, but then it drug on...and on...and on...and he launched into my Favorite Subject...physical attractiveness. Now, I'm no dog, but the reason this tag is called 'meow' is because I am particularly sensitive to the weight=beauty equation. (Some of you would say that's because I'm overweight, and I say "ha ha, you're right, fuck off".) In fact, it's my favorite way to be catty, and probably the most unattractive thing about me is that I'm one of those reverse weight-critical people. I'm one of those awful people that thinks things like "she's not very pretty...he's probably only with her because she's so skinny" or "wow she's beautiful...I'll bet the bitch doesn't know the difference between 'where' and 'wear'..." I know it's awful, I will admit it, but it bothers me that we've seen this shift in society over the last several years. When I was in high school, I was painfully awkward, all 5'8" and 115 pounds of me (no, I was not anorexic, and I tried to gain weight) and all of the boys at school were much more interested in the girls with boobs and a nice thick ass, but it seems that the last 10 years have seen a trend towards hot being Paris Hilton thin, and actresses like Minnie Driver and Kate Winslet are seen as "heavier". I know that everyone says they're beautiful, but all the insipid fashion mags say it like it's this amazing thing, that they've 'made it in Hollywood even though they are a normal size 6 or 8'. (For those of you who want a mental picture of me, look at a photo of good ol' Kate and add fourty-fifty pounds, depending on what kind of day either of us is having.)

Back to our subject: I started to feel very good about my boyfriend as I was reading this. All of my weight issues aside, I still have days when I feel beautiful and sexy and desirable, and part of that is attributed to him and the attitude he has towards me. The way he can't keep his hands off me at the most random times, like when I'm washing dishes, or the way that if I start to undress to take a shower, it doesn't matter what he's doing, his head snaps around quicker than if Pamela Anderson was stripping for him. I love the fact that our relationship is so good towards one another we can look at a picture that he took of me sleeping, and for some reason the way I was laying gave me this larger-than-life belly and he caught me all at the wrong moment, and we laughed uproaringly at the fact that I looked like I was literally, about to give birth (before deleting the pic, of course) and I didn't feel pangs of self-hate. Or that we can say honestly "we really should go to the gym tonight" without one of us thinking "great, he/she's trying to tell me I'm fat and unwanted". This has all been carefully cultivated over the last three years, because before he met me, most of the girls he was interested in were thin, or least that average size 6 or 8. I don't know when the shift occured, but I'm damn thankful for it. He truly makes me feel like there is no woman in the world more desirable, and although I agree that I can't 'let myself go' totally and just stop washing my hair and start eating McDonald's every day, I don't think it's my Job to remain sexy day in and day out. I think that we fell in love for many reasons wholly unattached to how attractive we were to each other, and if that's the biggest thing to holding onto your man, to stay sexy around him and his friends, then that's a doomed relationship from the start.

And when it comes to the part about protecting his woman if she's "about to get raped or something". What?! Has he dated a lot of rape/sexual assault/ domestic violence victims? Now, I know that sexual assault happens to all kinds of women for many different reasons, but if he's surrounding himself with women that are for some reason, likely to be serial targets of rape, then he must seriously have a thing against independent, cheeky, stand-up for themselves women. I have done a lot of research into the fields of sexual and domestic assault, and a lot of these women are succeptible to these relationships because they are weaker and something in them allows their mind to believe they are inferior to their "attacker". Before you get into tirades, yes I know this is a big generalisation, especially when it comes to rape, and I know better than anyone that strong-willed women are just as succeptible in some cases, especially random violence. But when it comes to domestic abuse, more often than not a man that is physically or emotionally abusive will gravitate towards women that are low on self-esteem and high on dependancy. They will stay away from stronger willed women because they know that there is less of a chance they'll be able to 'break them'. Unless they just want a challenge. So, it seems to me that this lunatic wants to surround himself with submissive women, and that's a BIG red-flag.

Now, when it comes to the rest of the post, I think we can safely say that this guy is a wacko. Or has it all figured out. I don't know if this post is about everything I wanted it to be about, but I do feel like I sufficiently got out what was on my mind. And now, this hot mama has to go get some lunch so I can stay "fed and healthy".

posted by: Cannonball14 at 16:42 | link | comments (4) |
meow

Okay, I promised a Pete Carroll episode and here goes. Watching football the other night, and what a game it was, I was faced with the question of why I don't like Pete Carroll or USC. It's nothing personal; I don't like the Patriots or the Cowboys or the Yankees for the same reason (well, I don't like the Cowboys because I grew up a Skins fan and I hate the Yankees because I'm a Red Sox fan, but still) I hate dynasties. And USC is as close to being a Dynasty as college football has. It's an interesting study in human nature as to why we want to bring down whoever's on top. In sports, why do we root for the underdog? The same reason we want to see people above us fail sometimes? Does everyone have an issue with inadequate feelings, and seeing someone else succeed makes us feel like a lesser person? I have had my share of self-esteem issues in the past, especially when it comes to body image or wanting desperately to be liked, but I feel like I'm in a better place now than ever before. Maybe because I'm finally in a trusting, two-way relationship that I've 'succeeded' at, or because I can recognize that I can be overweight and still be beautiful, or a strong willed, slightly anal-retentive woman that people still laugh with and have fun with. But no matter how comfortable I am with myself, I still like to see pretty, skinny girls make an idiot of themselves when they say something stupid or have a Valley girl accent. And I still love to see an underdog sports team pull out a huge upset. Like Georgia Tech beating Miami. Even though that means there will definitely not be an ACC National Champion. At last, basketball season is upon us...

posted by: Cannonball14 at 02:47 | link | comments (1) |
meow, the sports report

A hint for all the sorostitutes...gauchos...once a discount store is airing a commercial for them, they're available in child's sizes, and older women (like, 60+) are asking for them, I think it's safe to say that trend is, thankfully, over...

posted by: Cannonball14 at 12:56 | link | comments (4) |
meow, the retail beast

(I use the term fat loosely...)

So, sadly, I am a reality TV junkie, and I LOVE LOVE Top Model (although with only one TV in the house I am typically relegated to watching the VH1 daytime marathons, b/c when honey is home sports come first...not that I'm complaining). BUT: what's with the token fat chick on every show? I for one think the bigger girls are typically the most beautiful and photogenic on the show, but they never make it higher than like 6th or 7th. I love some Tyra, and I know she's compassionate, but if a fat chick will never be a supermodel (just a Lane Bryant model) then why have the token on every season? If Tyra truly thinks these girls have as much of a shot as all the other models, then why not have 3 or 4 of them in the top 10? But one, and only one? That's like throwing a pep squad member into a room full of gymnasts and having a contest for top cheerleader...can you imagine being the one normal size girl staring at these "perfectly slender" models all day, and saying to yourself "I have to compete against them?"

As much as I love the token (and this season at least honey thought Diane was the hottie of the group) let's change it up next season, and have one chick that's a hundred pounds and six feet tall having to compete against all the womanly, curvaceous, size DD hotties.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 18:48 | link | comments (3) |
meow

How come when we get all dressed up we feel absolutely gorgeous, and then when someone emails us the pictures we totally deflate and think "man I look like a COW"?

I know I sound like I have the worst body image in the world, but I really don't. Unless I'm looking at pictures of myself, I'm thinking "damn I'm hot". I just don't photograph like I used to.

I think clothes muck everything up. I think they make me look bigger than I really am. Or maybe when I look in the mirror, I have such high self-confidence that I see the beautiful, healthy person that's trying to escape from inside. Ha ha...I am shallow hal.

Sigh... I wish I could just walk around naked.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 14:05 | link | comments (3) |
meow

So, I'm not as good at walking in heels as I used to be. Let me tell you, it's hard to drive a pick-up with a sticky clutch and disentegrating fuel line in three inch pumps. It's also hard to feel quite as sexy as you did getting ready when you're stepping out of said pick-up in front of the ritziest restaurant in town, onto the wet pavement while the light rain drizzles out any effort you took with your hair. I know I should look at myself as an Amazon, but it's hard when you're six inches taller and have at least fourty pounds on every other woman there. How come you never see fat people eating at high-class places? Hello? We LOVE food! The food was fantastic, but I have to admit that I felt like I was in the land of Lilliputions. I'm exaggerating, but you get my point.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 02:18 | link | comments (6) |
meow

Sigh. A continuance of yesterday's post, really. I've decided to do Weight Watchers again. But I swear to God, if I have to trade my amazing breasts in to be skinny, I'll stop.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 13:59 | link | comments (2) |
meow

Sigh...why are we, as women, so catty? Haven't we all learned by now that we aren't going to end up alone (unless we want to) no matter how much other women are thinner, prettier, funnier, smarter than us? Of course we haven't. Ask yourself this, who taught us to believe that men will always want what's better, and they are trained to stray, even if only with their eyes? Was it Dr.Phil, or Sally Jesse Raphael? History lessons of Henry VIII, the acceptance of polygamy in certain religions (and cults), Girls Gone Wild videos, or watching eighteen seasons of The Real World? Maybe it's us (lightbulb). Maybe they get tired of us bitching and complaining about how we look, comparing ourselves to other women, and pointing out other girls' flaws and assets. We all have things we love and hate about ourselves, no matter what size or how attractive we are. I work very closely with a group of women, and I'm always shocked at how the thin, beautiful, mother of a twelve year old that doesn't look a day over twenty five reveals the things she hates about her body. Her body image isn't any better than mine in all my amazon, "her face is really pretty", "she'd make a great plus-size model" glory. Confession: on my path downwards to self-loathing a couple of years ago, I actually used to get angry when I'd see a moderately attractive guy out with a girl that was in no way attractive, drab hair, acne, glasses, but smaller than a size six. "He's only with her because of her body." What?! What was wrong with me that I could forget about love, sense of humor, compassion, kindness, spontanaeity as a reason for pairing up? Why was I so angry that I had been given a beautiful face, but the kind of body that *wink* white boys just don't go for? I guess what I'm trying to say here is, women of the world, large and small, I know we're all feeling the same thing, and just try to remember what Cosmo's been telling us for years: the number one thing men find attractive in women is confidence. God, I hate admitting that Cosmo's right.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 14:04 | link | comments (2) |
meow