Last Splash

Thursday, 08 December 2005

"But there is a greater level of understanding on my part. Understanding of the things that make me react, the underlying insecurities and fears that make me angry and caustic.

I am sure this sort of navel-gazing introspection is fascinating for some people but I am not always enthusiastic about it. It is hard to look at your behaviour and your past and your relationships with brutal honesty and assess your behaviour without justification. The attributing of blame and responsibility. The distribution of fault. To just accept that you have not reacted or behaved in a way that makes you proud or happy or comfortable. To disregard provocation. To accept full responsibility for your bad mood or bad behaviour."

This comes from a post on loosestring's blog from today, I think. I thought it was interesting because I've really been through a learning experience lately about myself. I put on a very tough exterior sometimes, a 'you don't want to fuck with me' kind of attitude, but I'm actually very sensitive inside and most of my toughness developed out of a sense of insecurity.

I feel that this insecurity evolved over the formative years (namely middle and early high school, specifically 8-11 grade) and I went through college and my early twenties very much intimated by and intimidating to a lot of people. Within three weeks of meeting my college suitemates, I threw a shoe through our window and broke it. We got through it, and by the end of the semester I think I was pretty well liked, but not the best first impression. The only women I've managed to stay friends with are those that stood up to me and said "you really need to stop being such a bitch" or "quit fooling yourslef, honey, you ain't all that". Maybe not the best influence on most women, but on me it worked.

My first really big job with a lot of responsibility was being a Camp Director. I tried it way too young (21) and a lot of my staff were my age or even older. It didn't work out so great. I was immature, bossy, and fun-loving. Not a great combination for someone responsible for 60 6-12 year olds in the woods all day. But I learned from it, as I've learned from all of my jobs, friends, and failed relationships.

I fell out of love with many many men when they let me have my way, and my current boyfriend (soon to be fiance', followed within the year by husband...) almost never did at first. It was infuriating. We fought like gangbusters, screaming at each other, throwing things, running out of the house and driving away before he could stop me (not the best way to treat each other, we've both learned), but something always made us hold on. No matter how angry I got, I never once had thoughts of leaving (he did, I recently learned). He stood up to me, he told me when I was being whiny and manipulative, and something about that impressed me.

Back to loosstring's post: I feel like accepting blame is hardest in the act. I have grown so much as a person in the last three years that I can now have a moment in the midst of yelling when a lightbulb clicks on and I think "you are totally blowing this out of proportion" and I have to find a way to get out of the argument. I don't always admit fault, but more often than not now I can calm down and say to the other person "you know, I'm really making way too big of a deal out of this" and we can settle. I'm proud of that.

posted by: Cannonball14 at 20:20 | link | comments (2) |
meow, the ex files

Comments:

#1 09 December 2005 - 03:21

It's funny how recognizing the fact that we're actually "not all that all the time" makes us a little bit of a better person every time we do.

You sound like me and my roommie...he's never put up with my crap and it drove me nuts-- but in the end it made us better friends. For some reason I always respected him more after he told me I "was full of it" LOL

smhawke

#2 09 December 2005 - 15:04

Wow, J sounds like quite a guy! Hurry up and get married already! GAWD! ;-)

Seriously, I think that it's always tough to look at our own behavior and take responsibility for our part what happens to us, and what we make happen to ourselves. Like you said, it's really hard when you're in the act. I still struggle with this myself, but I have noticed that it's getting easier. If nothing else, I am now identifying that something isn't right, and I can usually say, "Okay, I need a little time away from this right now. I'll be back when I can think about it rationally." It seems like the more that I try to be aware of myself and what's happening inside of me, the easier it is. I guess it's one of those "practice makes (near) perfect."

It sounds like you're well on your way.